Step 1 of 2 — Visual Due Diligence

First, submit to the audit.

Before you explore the site, our analysts need a photo. This determines your investor rating and follows you around. It takes 30 seconds.

📎
Drop a photo hereAny photo. LinkedIn headshot. Beach pic. Whatever.
Photo is sent to AI for analysis only. Not stored or shared.

Step 2 of 2 — Applicant Profile

Almost in. Tell us who you are.

This creates your applicant profile. It'll follow you around the site so Jack knows who's applying.

Your Rating
SERIES A IN LOVE APPLICATIONS NOW OPEN 50K SUBSCRIBERS ZERO GIRLFRIENDS DUE DILIGENCE REQUIRED TERM SHEET NEGOTIABLE JABRONI CAPITAL CORP SERIES A IN LOVE APPLICATIONS NOW OPEN 50K SUBSCRIBERS ZERO GIRLFRIENDS DUE DILIGENCE REQUIRED TERM SHEET NEGOTIABLE JABRONI CAPITAL CORP
Actively Seeking

JACK
KUVEKE
Series A · In Love

Founder of Jabroni Capital — the only tech newsletter that'll make you laugh. 50,000 subscribers. Zero girlfriends. He's now applying VC-brained thinking to his dating life, and frankly, the pitch deck is strong.

0
Newsletter Subscribers
0
Current Girlfriends
0
Pitch Decks Roasted
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WeWork Takes Remaining

How This Works

This is his pitch deck.
You are the investor.

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Due Diligence Quiz
Are you actually compatible? Our team has 7 hard questions. Results rated: Strong Buy, Hold, or Do Not Invest.
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Live Deal Flow
Track where all applicants currently stand. Kanban-style. Very professional. Very unnecessary.
📰
Subscriber Loyalty Test
Prove you've actually read the newsletter. If you can't pass this, Jack will find out. He always finds out.
🎯
Pitch Deck Roast
Submit your pitch. Our AI evaluates it like a VC who's had three espressos and no patience. Scores included.
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Term Sheet Negotiator
Try to negotiate the relationship terms. Jack's legal team (AI-powered) will push back. Good luck.
⚠️
Risk Factors
Strong WeWork opinions. Checks open rates during dinner. Made his sibling build this website. You've been warned.
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Photo Audit
Submit a photo. Our AI determines if you have the energy of a Jabroni Capital reader. Scored across 5 dimensions. Brutally.

Investor Due Diligence

Seven questions.
No wrong answers.*

*There are wrong answers.

Question 01 of 07

Jack cancels your Friday night plans because his newsletter open rate dropped 3%. You:

Question 02 of 07

You're at dinner and Jack starts explaining, unprompted, why WeWork was always going to fail. This is the fourth time this month. You:

Question 03 of 07

Your Hinge profile currently includes the phrase "I'm not here for games." Be honest.

Question 04 of 07

Jack describes himself as "a guy who writes a newsletter." You Google it and find 50,000 subscribers. You:

Question 05 of 07

It's a Sunday morning. Jack suggests skipping brunch to stay in and "catch up on some reading." Reading means tech newsletters. Specifically his competitors'. For research. You:

Question 06 of 07

Jack's sibling built him a satirical VC-themed dating website to help him find a girlfriend. Your honest reaction:

Question 07 of 07 — Final Round

Jack is, by his own admission, a person who wrote 800 words about why tech conferences suck, became an uncle and immediately wrote a newsletter about it, and once "acquired" WeWork as a bit. Are you okay with this?

Investment Rating

Calculating...

Compatibility Score—
Cultural Fit—
Sense of Humor Index—
WeWork Tolerance—
Overall Recommendation—
24 Total Applications
Last updated: Just now

Subscriber Verification Protocol

Prove you've read it.
Jack will know if you haven't.

This is not a vibe check. This is a background check.

Jack has 50,000 subscribers. Statistically, a meaningful percentage of them have not opened an issue since signing up because a friend forwarded it to them in 2023. You know who you are. This quiz will also know who you are. Five questions. All based on real newsletter content. No Googling — the wifi here is monitored. Good luck.

Verification Result

Application Portal

Submit your pitch.
We will not be gentle.

2-3 sentences. Treat this like you're pitching a seed round to a skeptical investor who has read every tech newsletter ever written.

What do you bring to this relationship that no competitor offers?

We'll find out anyway. Better to disclose upfront. Shows character.

Every good pitch needs a roadmap. What does the future look like?

Make it count. This is your moment.

⚠ Your submission goes to Jack's inbox only. We don't store or share it with third parties.

⚙️

Our analysts are reviewing your deck...
This usually takes 3-6 years of due diligence.
We've expedited it.

Official Evaluation —
Pitch Clarity
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Originality
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Market Fit
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Red Flag Honesty
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Closing Energy
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Analyst Commentary

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Legal Department

Negotiate the terms.
Jack's team is ready.

Current Term Sheet

Structure Exclusive, long-term
Date Frequency Min. 2x per week
Newsletter Mentions Partner reads every issue
WeWork Discussions Unlimited, any time
Social Media Partner follows @jabronicap
Cooking Rights Jack cooks 3x/week minimum
Open Rate Discussions Up to 5 per dinner
Exit Strategy None. That's the point.
Legend
White = Original term
Yellow = Negotiated
Green = Accepted
Red + strikethrough = Rejected

Chat with Legal Team

Jack's Legal Team
Good morning. On behalf of Mr. Kuveke, we've prepared the standard term sheet on the left. Our client considers these terms fair and reasonable. That said, we're open to discussion on select items. What would you like to negotiate?
Legal team is drafting a response...

Visual Due Diligence

Submit to the
photo audit.

Our analysts will assess whether you have the energy of a Jabroni Capital reader. This is not about how you look. It is about what you're communicating. There is a difference. Probably.

📎
Drop a photo here Any photo. LinkedIn headshot. Beach pic. Whatever you'd use on Hinge. Our analysts have seen worse.
Your photo
Camera access denied or unavailable.
Please use the upload option instead.

Click the image to change your photo

⚠ Your photo is sent to an AI for analysis only. It is not stored, shared, or added to any database. Jack does not see it unless you tell him about it.

🔍
Scanning for WeWork energy...
Cross-referencing subscriber database...
Assessing newsletter reader potential...
Consulting senior analysts...
Drafting official verdict...
Official Photo Audit — Jabroni Capital —
Jabroni Reader Energy
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Likely Newsletter Subscriber
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WeWork Opinion Risk
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Would Survive a Pitch Deck Roast
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Overall Investor Fit
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Analyst Notes

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* This evaluation was conducted by an AI that was told to act like a VC analyst who writes for a satirical tech newsletter. All scores are fictional. No appearance-based judgments were made. This is a bit. A very elaborate bit.